Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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