Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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