im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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