I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
