i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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