I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
