Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
