when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
