2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
