maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
