Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
