I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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