Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
