but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
