The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
