she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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