I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
