i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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