My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
