I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
