My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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