this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Im part way to drunk.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
