Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
this hospital has no fireball
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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