Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
