He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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