I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
