Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
