you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
did i walk over a car last night?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
