sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
