i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
