What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
