Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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