A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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