you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
