Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
