No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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