4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
where are you?
Hypothermia
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
