last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
