I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
