Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
