just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
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