Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
