dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
