The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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