I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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