Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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