I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
