some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
