I hate all girls vehemently.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
