So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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