Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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